supporting me

This morning the girlfriend said she'd support me should I desire to take testosterone.

I had mentioned how in the 80's and 90's I had been a gym rat and if natural transition were possible, I would have become a man during this time.  I took everything I could short of steroids to bulk up and would have embraced masculinization through bodybuilding if such a thing were possible.  I stayed scrawny and overtrained and mostly succeeded in squelching my libido, which is okay, I guess if you want to be celibate, which I was during those years.  I lifted competitively and was even in a meet where everyone was tested and the values of the weightlifting club I belonged to dictated that steroids were cheating, so I never sought them out.  But I coveted their effects that I saw in some of the women competitors.  One woman had an astonishingly deep voice and a coach told me " I remember when she looked and sounded like you."

So we're still in the honeymoon phase and on the verge of spending a long weekend together and she's showed me pictures of her exes, who are very masculine looking and on the burly side.  I am not that big, I have no tattoos and I don't ride a motorcycle.  But my girl is determined to get me inked and bulked up and get my Mustang traded for a trike.

Sigh.

I feel like I am going sideways, heading for the wall.

The other night I dreamed the sky was full of jagged, lightning-like cracks.  I knew if they didn't seal up, the world would end.

One Wet Summer

Well, my track day weekend appears to be in jeopardy.  They evacuated the county near the Missouri River that is the home of Mid America Motorplex, which was to be the highlight of my summer.  I guess it's possible the waters won't reach it and damage the track and the Missouri River will recede and we will all have a great time in the middle of July.

So to get one more track day I'll have to wait until next year.  Unless I go to another track.  I would hate to have to put those Nitto NT01's in the basement without getting to drive on them.

Father's Day

is not this weekend, as I was thinking but the week after.  So I didn't need to rush out and get a Father's Day card to mail.

I had picked one out a couple of weeks ago but decided against using it.  It had a picture of Tom Hanks from A League of Our Own and inside was a recording of him saying "Crying?!  There's no crying in baseball!"  There was something on the front about instilling rules in us as we grew up.   I thought it was hilarious.  When I was a kid, we had a plastic ball and bat and sometimes Dad would pitch the ball to me.  I guess I was pretty bad, because one time he said if I hit this ball, he'd get me a pony and a bicycle. I missed.  I didn't get the pony or the bicycle.  Dad also played football with my brother and me, he'd overpower us but that didn't stop us from trying.  And we loved the attention from him.  If he was in a good enough mood to play with us, things were cool.  Usually he was really busy farming or sleeping for the night shift at the factory.  Or he was in a really bad mood and not talking to anybody.  Probably because he was tired from working so hard.  God help us if we did anything to piss him off, which often happened without our even trying.

My dad just had knee replacement surgery and had a very hard time of it.  He spent some time in the nursing home before he came home.  He was home last time I visited but he told me about his stay at the nursing home and about breaking down and crying during a church service there.  That's when I decided the Tom Hanks card couldn't be used this year, or maybe any other year.  Old men can be weepy, I guess as their testosterone declines, their emotions are expressed more easily.  I would not want him to think I was mocking him.