supporting me

This morning the girlfriend said she'd support me should I desire to take testosterone.

I had mentioned how in the 80's and 90's I had been a gym rat and if natural transition were possible, I would have become a man during this time.  I took everything I could short of steroids to bulk up and would have embraced masculinization through bodybuilding if such a thing were possible.  I stayed scrawny and overtrained and mostly succeeded in squelching my libido, which is okay, I guess if you want to be celibate, which I was during those years.  I lifted competitively and was even in a meet where everyone was tested and the values of the weightlifting club I belonged to dictated that steroids were cheating, so I never sought them out.  But I coveted their effects that I saw in some of the women competitors.  One woman had an astonishingly deep voice and a coach told me " I remember when she looked and sounded like you."

So we're still in the honeymoon phase and on the verge of spending a long weekend together and she's showed me pictures of her exes, who are very masculine looking and on the burly side.  I am not that big, I have no tattoos and I don't ride a motorcycle.  But my girl is determined to get me inked and bulked up and get my Mustang traded for a trike.

Sigh.

I feel like I am going sideways, heading for the wall.

The other night I dreamed the sky was full of jagged, lightning-like cracks.  I knew if they didn't seal up, the world would end.