Kathy, I'm Lost

I said, though I knew she was sleeping.  I'm empty and aching and I don't know why.

Am I trans?  Is that the answer?  I've watched the journeys of trans men since I first heard about them, back in the days of Phil Donahue.  The phalloplasties sounded so horrific - I could never go through that.  I read about Billy Tipton, and wondered if I could pull that off- I got "sir-ed" sometimes.  I never believed I could have his courage.

I remember hearing about Brandon Teena, not far from where I was living at the time.  The danger was obvious to me.

With the internet, I have been amazed at the changes of the last few years.  Like how easy it has become to get testosterone legitimately.  The requirement to live as the new gender for two years seems to have disappeared and people seem to undertake transition on a whim.  One trans man said "I was a femme heterosexual woman."  This makes me have the reaction of "No!  You're Doing It Wrong!" I know it's not any of my business and I've learned to get over the trans men who don't behave to my standards of masculinity and sexual orientation.  Everyone gets to live their lives their own way.

So as of right now, I will remain here on the shore, while I watch the other guys sail away to the land of manhood.  They can keep the shots and the surgeries and the smelly men's restrooms.  If I don't want to put up with those things, then I guess I don't want it bad enough.  I admire them and respect them and pray for their safety.

But if I was ever in one of those magical wish-granting situations....