Insomnia

When I lay on my back in bed, my breasts disappear.  I can lay in bed naked next to my girlfriend this way and not care much if she puts her hand there but she's somewhere else tonight.  I think about whether I'd be a good candidate for a keyhole procedure.  I think about how much I'm scared of doctors and try to forget it.  I put my hand on my flattened chest and wonder what the big deal about nipples is anyway, it doesn't do anything for me to have them touched.

If I had it done, no one would probably notice, most shirts I wear are loose, but it would probably be obvious if I wore a polo and I have a lot of those.  They hold up better than my button downs.  The button downs get worn more and washed more and wear out faster.  The polos usually are mixed fibers and wear like iron.

I try to remember the last time I was home visiting Dad.  Have I been home this year?  I try to remember the names of my step brothers and sisters kids.  I can remember the first borns and second borns but the genders and names of thirds are eluding me.  If they made me match the progeny to the parents, I'd probably fail.  Some of the little blonds may have gone brunette or ginger and I would mix them up.

I'm in bed for a change, because you are supposed to sleep better in bed with no television on.  I refuse to do the one thing that I know will zonk me out, get up, turn on the television and lay on the couch.  I've been getting so stiff lately, I might end up with back or neck pain if I don't stop it.  I can't be sleeping all that well on the couch.  But I sure ain't sleeping good tonight.

I try to think about things that will inspire me to masturbate, another thing that might induce sleep, but I keep going over the very unerotic topic of the names of the newest children.  Some of the names are weird, like they got them from bad Scrabble letters.  I can't make a word with these letters but this looks like a cute baby name.

I think about the name I might take should I transition.  Or even if I don't.  I've always hated my name.  I like Jim and Tom.  I like Gus, because of Lonesome Dove.  I like Zane and Jason and Justin and Miles.  I like manly, unambiguous names.  I wonder why so many trans men seem to go for variations of Aiden.  I wonder why I can't sleep, why my mind won't shut off.  I feel like I just had an energy shot and it's almost six in the morning and I last had one right before I started work at three in the afternoon the day before.  I don't have to get up early but I try to be up by 10:30 to have plenty of time to get ready for work and maybe do yard work or run an errand before commuting.

Sometimes the sleep deprivation elevates my mood.  I'm always happy to go to work these days.  I like my job a lot.  Yesterday there were four of us there at first, which isn't necessary, since there are only three stations.  I was hoping I'd get a chance to walk down to the guard shack and see inside it but there was a training video to watch.  When I was back in our room, the extra guy gives me his iPhone and has me play his racing game.  I drive three races.  I run off the track and hit other cars but I still win.  I'm uncomfortable playing it, since I am at work, but there's not much going on yet and soon the extra guy will leave and fortunately the boss doesn't see me playing the game.  I think how I ought to play Need For Speed with my steering wheel and pedals on my big screen TV.  But I haven't gamed much since I started dating again.

I don't think about the future.  I probably slept more than I thought and I don't feel that tired this morning.  There was some kind of dream about someone knocking at my door but I can't remember how it goes now.