Sunday is my second autocross and Mother's birthday. The 10th anniversary of her death is April 6. This tends to be a tough time of year, being jealous of everyone who still has their mother and grimly enduring Mother's Day. I wonder what would have happened if I had came out to her. Sometimes I thought maybe she reached out to me. But I kept my mouth shut. I never forgot when she told me at the breakfast table, age 6 or 7: "People who are like that are sick." I didn't want to be sick. But I sure learned to keep my real feelings to myself and to feel pretty bad about having them.
Now, when I think about maybe making plans for the rest of my life with someone, I remember I would have to come out to my Dad.. Can I avoid it completely? I'm moving to South Carolina. Just because. No, don't come and visit, I'll come back to see you. Would the girlfriend put up with that? Would Dad?
I could never picture that conversation and when I tried, it didn't go well. One girlfriend shouted in exasperation "But you look so gay! How could they NOT know?" Maybe they do and they just choose not to bring it up. And I choose not to throw something in their face that I am pretty sure they can't handle. It's a kind of détente.
I've lived the best life I can. I am the only one I have to satisfy. And girlfriends who try to make me do things I don't want to- they fall by the roadside pretty fast. Because I am the Butch Daddy and what I say goes.
The woman I spend the rest of my life with will be totally OK with that.
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hi :)
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with your decision to not allow others to push you to do something you don't want to do. I am not butch, but it is your right to refuse to have your arm twisted by anyone who wants you to be a part of their agenda.
Now, as to the whole "what i say goes" thing, I hope you understand a loving relationship is based on compromise? If you are looking for a woman who will be okay with the decisions you make, then you have to be a person who attracts that kind of woman. The kind of woman willing to compromise usually isn't looking for someone with an intractable personality.
Thanks for commenting, Tiffany. But I think someone who is willing to compromise can tolerate the intractable person. Because she can compromise, whereas the intractable person can't or won't. The intractable person either gets better or doesn't and the compromiser stays as long as she can stand it. Which for my parents was 35 years. I don't expect to live for that long, so any amount of time I get with someone is success for me.
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