Uh Oh

Ex complains I never call her.  Wants to share a room in Little Rock.  Used to get after me all the time, am I seeing somebody, have I had any dates?

I lied, said no.  Everybody else is so circumspect, so I am too.  Oh, no, nothing's going on, we're just hanging out.

I told her I spend a lot of time on the phone (required for LDR's) but if I wasn't involved in October, we could totally share a room.  But what if I am involved by then?  Do I have what it takes to be monogamous?  I kind of doubt it.  I don't expect anything from anybody when I'm not around, so why should they expect anything from me?

And I'm happy to tell you what my problem is:  I still have it hard for a married woman.  Or maybe a couple of them.  Because if I got with them, I'd be off the hook for most of the relationship stuff.  Because they'll never leave their husbands and I'd be kind of freaked out if they did for me.  Because I just want these few intense moments and then walk away.  I don't want to connect and I don't believe anyone will really love me, because I'm don't believe love is a real thing.

In The Once and Future King, a fish tells young King Arthur: "Love is a trick played on us by the forces of evolution.  Pleasure is the bait laid down by the same.  There is only power.  Power is of the individual mind, but the mind's power is not enough.  Power of the body decides everything in the end, and only Might is Right."

When I read that as a youngster, I felt the sucker punch of a great truth.  I felt the horror of not being a man, not being powerful and of not being able to fully participate in life.  I would never be Mighty and I would never be Right.

Until I found the butch-femme people and BDSM and learned there were beautiful, feminine women who were all too happy to make me feel Mighty and Right.